Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Bordeline Personality Disorder - diagnosed

Recently I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, or in short BPD.
It makes so much more sense now...why I always feel like I'm in an emotional turmoil, why I'm afraid to be abandoned, why I can't control my emotions...
Today I posted this one Facebook:

"My condition doesn't allow me to feel happy for too long at a time. It goes in and finds every little negative thing in words and sentences. If it could possibly be misunderstood into something negative about me, I will find it. And The words will twist around in my wrecked brain and there they will dig deep and hurt. And I will not be able to remember the original words...I will not be able to see the light.
So I need you to repeat...again and again and again, over and over and over, the positive things you meant, when I turn it all around in my head yet again. Help me...I cannot do it on my own. I cannot control this thought monster...eating away my happy memories. It's like a filter on my brain, only letting in the crap and the bullshit. Refusing me the right to feel loved or cared for. Making me so much more desperate to be loved...thinking that nobody could love or care for me.
The filter is borderline personality disorder, and I can't just "grow up" or "get my act together".
I need constant reminders from my friends and family that I am, in fact,  wanted and loved...otherwise...I will forget and believe the opposite. I know it's bothersome and tirering to constantly repeat yourself...but if you want to be there for me...this is how to be me remember the positive feelings. Help me remember that I am wanted, needed and loved. Help me push the filter aside. Help me live."

This is how it feels to have borderline.
And I cannot control this yet.
I hope to be able to learn how to control my feelings and how to shut down my filter.
I obsess over little details, small problems become huge and overpowering.
Daily life is a struggle.
I feel like I'm a burden to those around me.
I fear being abandoned by those I love and sometimes go to extremes to avoid being abandoned. This means I sometimes abandon others first...or desperately cling on to them.
I also get really angry or really sad...

But the worst part is probably the toll it takes on those around me.
How demanding it is on much of a burden I am to them.

Because I can't see the good things...I only see the negative things.
The BPD filter my head is picking up all the negative things and even positive things, and twists it all around until it turns into hurtful things that makes me sad.
I forget that people love me or care about me..and I need a constant reminder that they do. And this is extremely exhausting for my loved ones.

On the 17th of November, I will begin treatment with a psychologist.
I hope that he/she can help me find the tools I need to get by and to learn how to control myself.

I feel like I shouldn't exist. That I am just s burden to everyone. I am so sorry.

Saturday, June 23, 2012


I am back in Japan...the land of many  mysteries.

To be honest, I had every intention of writing about my journey from day 1. 

Just turned out to be harder than expected... Can't seem to really get around to it.

Well...I just wanted to put up a quick post, a sign of life, from me.

Hopefully, I will be getting around to blogging a bit more in the near future.

To be continued...

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Try try again

You know what they say, if you fail, try try again...but god damn it! It's so hard!
Lately I have not been able to control myself much.
I've been baking cakes, and also eating it. I didn't eat the whole cake, but I shouldn't eat any cake all together! It's tough living off 1100 kalories a day. Sometimes you just really crave something with more calories, or maybe just dying to eat pizza... which should be fine, once in a while. Only not fine when you're trying to get rid of the last 2 -3 kilos. It's like my whole body is fighting against me, giving me signals of craving for cakes, icecream, chocolate, candies etc. when I should be concentrating on loosing weight and thus eating a strict diet of healthy low calorie low carb food.
Why is it that my head is all about cake? I try so hard to stay away from anything fattening, anything high on calories, and try to eat tasty yet healthy food, which I really like! It's not like I am dieting on powder shakes or crazy stuff like that, I am actually eating real human food, I just don't go for rice, pasta, or bread. I usually eat a lot of veggies, meat and sometimes fruit.
I try so hard to stay on the right path, yet I stray so easily! I am so easily drawn off my path of enlightenment, by things like brunch, birthday parties, going out for a 3 course dinner, cakes, and chocolate!
Yesterday I went out to celebrate the birthday of my younger sister, by inviting her out on brunch and a movie afterwards. I had WAY too many calories and gained like 600grams just by that.
I hate it, why do I gain so easily, it's so frustrating, like nothing you can ever imagine.
I try really hard to stay on 1100 kalories, but when I have been out training, I have to eat more, or I get a headache..well maybe I just expect too much in too short a time.
I want the weightloss to happen FAST, I want to be ready for a no calorie count life in no time..but it's just not that easy.
I seem to be stuck around 60-61kilos.. and I just can't seem to break free from this, going on 2 -3 days where I stick to my diet, and then it's going out for dinner, or making a quick meal, or going out for brunch to celebrate one thing or another. and back up goes the scale! V_V
I don't know how to break free of this evil circle! Damn it!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Going the distance

Starting from Today, I will be trying to get rid of the last 2 kgs.
I don't know, if it will take me 4 weeks, 8 weeks or more, but they are definitely going!
I weighed myself this morning, and I'm still on 60,4 kg. So in reality I should loose 2,4 kgs, but I set a goal at the calorie counter, for 2 kgs in 4 weeks.
That gives me around 1200 calories a day, not much, but yet it is possible!
I will give it my best shot, but it is the toughest time right now! The last 2 kgs are always a bitch!
Especially since I go around thinking, that I look fine now, why would I have to struggle for just 2 more kilos? I know it's a load of bad excuses, and those bad excuses, make me eat more cake.
I know I shouldn't, even today I have a cooking date with my friend Freia, we're gonna be making cakes! I can't wait to start making all those lovely cakes, but geez, how am I gonna stop myself from eating them all aswell?? I really need to be careful, but then again, I have managed to stay on 60,4 kg for a week, even though I have been eating ice cream, bakery bread and other stuff that would usually make me gain! So I am beginning to think, that the way I live now, could be the way I should live, AFTER I loose the last 2 kgs! Because it seems to keep me on the same weight, so I must be doing something right, to keep the weight steady. That's good, cuz I wouldn't say that I am suffering with this lifestyle!

Oh well, here we go! Last 2 kilos off...
Fight starts TODAY!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Having a hard time

It's past midnight, and I should be in bed sleeping, but I decided that I'd better make an update on my blog.
In the past, I have been awfully bad at updating my blogs at a regular basis, in fact I was hardly updating anything at all..
I know a blog without posts is really boring and nobody would like to follow a blog where nothing ever happens, am I right?
So here I am, in the late hours of the night, writing.

Lately, because of my period, I've found that I have a spine like a worm, meaning I have been having a hard time staying away from sweets. Truth be told, I had every intention of staying below the 1100 kalories a day that I am allowed to eat, so that I had a chance of loosing the last few kilos. Alas, I have not been able to control myself.
I find myself more attracted to sweets, when I have my period, I wonder if there is some sort of connection?
I don't dare step onto the scale, I am afraid of the result.
This past few days have gone totally out of hand, I've had brunch, and 3 course dinner. I went to the cinema and ate popcorn and 110 grams of mixed candy. I HAVE been out training yesterday, spinning for 1h20m and it was really tough. But then I had pancakes..
Today at work, someone had brought cake, and I couldn't help myself, I just HAD to taste it..I only took a small piece, but damn..I know I shouldn't have.
Changing my lifestyle is not yet complete, as you can see. I have a long way to go.

I go to the gym on a regular basis, I do spinning, Thai-bo and some tightening up exercises as well. I go for walks with my boyfriend, and I try to stand up all day at work. But when it comes to food, sure I am eating vegetables like never before, and I am probably healthier now than I have ever been in my entire life.
So what seems to be the problem? Well, for starters I do miss eating pasta, bread and potatoes in paticular. And then there's the cakes, danish, and candy, that I really miss sometimes. The craving eased up a while back, but whenever I go into my period, I go into an all candy/cake/ice-cream craving mode. It's actually awful. I can't control myself. No matter how much I try, if you put something delicious looking candy or cake in front of me, I'm going to eat it, even though I know I shouldn't do so.

In these situations, I tend to ask myself one question, "was it worth the calories", and if I can answer yes, without having to think twice, I have decided to feel content about it, and just enjoy that I had something tasty.,(Instead of beating myself on the head with something heavy) which makes this whole "loosing weight" business a lot easier. I have stopped eating things that I feel, gives me little or no pleasure for the calories. If it's not tasty enough, I can actually stop myself, by saying "it's really not worth the calories, you'd better not eat that".
So the past week has been kind of bad, according to my weight-loss plan, but according to enjoying life, it's been quite good.

I am still doing my exercises, and I feel good about myself, so I don't think I have to worry all that much..
at least not yet ;)
Tomorrow is yet another day, and I will do my best to enjoy life, and stay healthy.

Over and out, goodnight.